


Certified Cow Exterminators (With L's)

by evilturkey5



Series: Cow Exterminators [2]
Category: Mario Kart (Video Games), Super Mario & Related Fandoms
Genre: Betrayal, Business, Coconut Mall, Cows, Evil cows, MooMoo Meadows, More serious than it looks, Partnership, Race, Toad and Yoshi race, mario-kart inspired, vacuum - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:33:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27106531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilturkey5/pseuds/evilturkey5
Summary: Toad and Yoshi are the most reliable cow exterminators in the Mushroom Kingdom, but this doesn't mean that things always go smoothly. Together, the two must undergo many challenges in order to restart their multi-million coin business and save the Mushroom Kingdom.This version, while not the intended experience, includes the letter l for readability.
Relationships: Kinopio | Toad & Yoshi (Nintendo), Luigi & Yoshi (Nintendo)
Series: Cow Exterminators [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1827544





	1. Our Two Main Characters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only difference between this version and the other one is that this one does not exclude the letter "L". This may sound silly, but that is actually the canon version of the story, and though this version may be preferable, if I ever complete this series like I hope to, it will add to the experience to read the other version as opposed to the modified versions.

"Hmm..." Toad tapped his pen on his chin, his mouth curling downwards ever so slighty. The pen was made of gold and had a golden mushroom at the end. A gift from the princess. The princess whom he no longer respected.

There was once a day when Toad served the princess loyally. A day where he woud carry out her every wish. A day before she decided to betray the Mushroom Kingdom.

Toad sighed. He wasn't getting anywhere. He closed the leather book, making sure to lock it away in the cabinet below. Yes. Once finished, this book woud grant the secret to infinite power. It must be protected at all costs. As he was leaving, however, he heard a voice calling out to him.

_"smelborp rouy ot rewsna eht ton si siht: em tsurt! yaw eht ton si siht! on!"_

Toad only shook his head. Lakitu never let him go about things in his own way. As he closed the door, he whispered out, "You won't control me."

Yoshi snuck around in the grass. The cow would not remain still. He approached it slowly and...

"MOOOOO!"

"Tch!" Yoshi cried as it evaded his long tongue. The cows woudn't die on their own. They needed to be killed. Yoshi grunted and stood up.

"Guess I'll try again!" he spat bitterly.

_"siht od ton od! POTS!"_

"Says you, Lakitu! This is my only source of food!"

_"ti si, siht gniod era ouy nosaer eht ton si taht tub?"_

Yoshi's face flushed.

"No! Be quiet! I won't listen to you!" Yoshi's fists were clenched and his body tensed up. "You won't tell me what to do."

"Who are you talking to, Yoshi?" Yoshi turned around to see his good friend Luigi.

"Lakitu's bothering me again." Yoshi scowled. Luigi raised his eyebrows out of worry.

"Again? That's the sixth time this week!"

"Yep. He just can't seem to accept the fact that I need to hunt these cows to, y'know, _survive_."

"If he bothers you that much, my offer still stands. You can come stay with Mario and I, y'know?" Luigi offered. Yoshi shook his head.

"I've already told you a million times: I don't want to get you involved in my situation." Luigi sighed at his friend's stubbornness.

"Just know that if you ever feel like it's too much, our door is always open." Yoshi smiled at Luigi.

"Thanks, Luigi. You're the best friend I could ever ask for." Luigi grinned and scratched the back of his head.

"I just wanna help you out, y'know?"

Yoshi smiled back at Luigi.

"You've already helped out enough by being my friend," replied Yoshi. Luigi patted Yoshi on the back.

"Let's head back, Yoshi," he said.

"Good idea."


	2. Passage to Coconut Mall

"ACK!" Toad screeched as a mine cart just barely missed him.

"Wario, can't you make this place a litte more safe?! I almost _died_!" Wario let out a hearty chuckle.

"Well that woud certainly make things easier for me!"

"So how far are we?" Toad said, changing the subject.

"Should be just a few more minutes if things go smoothly," Wario said, his gaze not straying from the path in front of him.

" _If?!_ Just how dangerous _is_ this place?" Toad exclaimed.

"Don't worry, it's not _that_ bad. Only about 500 deaths a year!"

" _500?!_ " Toad started to panic even more.

"Relax, I was just joking. Statistically speaking, this is one of the safest gold mines out there. Toad relaxed slightly.

The two walked in silence for a few moments. However, that peace was short-lived. The ground suddenly started to rumble and hundreds of mine carts, which were previously resting in a storage area, all started rolling down the tracks.

"What the heck?!" Wario exclaimed.

"Wario, what's happening?" Toad asked fearfully.

"Expecting me to know is giving me more credit than I deserve! You think I have any idea what's happening? All I know is how to handle the situation!"

"And how's that?!" Toad was becoming agitated.

"We run! I'll lead the way to the secret escape route!" Wario grabbed Toad's hand and ran. Toad was apprehensive for a moment.

"If this place gets, y'know, destroyed, will I still be abe to access the spot I need?"

"Depends on how bad it is. Since it's just a few runaway mine carts, I should be able to make an exception to let you in real quick," Wario said.

"Wow, you're an expert at running this place!" Toad exclaimed. Wario rubbed the back of his head.

"Aw, shucks. Thanks, Toad. Just doin' my job!" It was only for a short moment that Wario stopped watching where he was going, but that was enough time for a few bats to fly into his face, catching him off guard and causing him to trip and fall to the ground.

Toad let out an "Oof!" as he was dragged to the ground as well. Toad saw his life flashing before his eyes as a mine cart sped towards them. Just before it could hit them, though, Wario suddenly jumped up and pulled Toad to the side, saving him from the coming mine cart.

"Thanks, Wario!" Wario only hummed in acknowledgement and kept running.

Eventually they reached a dead end. The only two paths were a raised platform far above the tracks they were on—they would never make the jump—and a broken track nearing a small hole in the wall—this was unfavorabe due to mine carts falling on this path from seemingly nowhere. But with minecarts coming from every direction, they had to make a choice.

Luckily, Wario seemed to know what he was doing. He pulled out a grappling hook and shot it to the small hole. It latched in, and with all of his strength, Wario tugged, breaking rocks out and widening the hole. He then grabbed Toad tighty and pulled himself over to the hole. After shoving Toad through, he tried to force his large body through. They were underneath another track releasing mine carts, so they seemed to be safe for the time being. But Wario wasn't taking any chances, so he used all of his willpower to force himself through the hole and to the other side. When he caught his breath, he noticed Toad looking around in wonder. They seemed to be in a dress shop.

"Where _are_ we?" Toad asked. Wario was wondering the same. He looked around a bit before getting his answer.

"This is Coconut Mall."

"What? But Coconut Mall is nowhere near your mine!" Toad exclaimed.

"I know, which is why this is so bizarre." Toad thought for a moment before speaking.

"Is there any chance it could be a portal?" Wario gave Toad a disbelieving look. Seeing this, Toad added, "I mean, do you have a better explanation?" Wario sighed.

"Alright, assuming it _is_ a portal, how would it have gotten there?" Wario asked, still skeptical.

"I don't know, but I know someone who might."


	3. The Portal Expert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by my cousin, but she doesn't have an account on here, so I can't list her account name.

"So you're telling me that Wario has a secret portal that leads to Coconut Mall?" Yoshi, a portal expert, acted as if this was unusual.

Toad rolled his eyes, "just meet me at Coconut Mall and we can see about this portal situation." 

"Okay looks like I' be there in about 20 minutes."

Yoshi grabbed his boots and hat, then headed to meet Toad at Coconut Mall.   
________________________________

"Heyyy Yoshi," Toad said and proceeded to do their handshake. Wario seemed uninterested. 

"We came out about right here. Who do you think created the portal?" Wario interrupted. 

Toad took a while to respond but eventually suggested, "It doesn't seem like anything evil unless whoever made it had another use for it besides a faster way to get to the mall... Wario, who owned the mine before you bought it?"

He thought for a minute, "well, it's been quite a few years since then but now that I think about it, it used to be a farm. Something happened and all the animals disappeared one day. The farm ran out of business and I got the place for a pretty good deal!" 

Toad and Yoshi looked at each other, both knowing exactly who made the portal.

"Thanks Wario, I think we've got it from here." Toad signalled Yoshi for them to eave. 

_________________________________

"I suggest we set up camp near the portal to monitor its activity," Yoshi suggested. 

"And maybe see whoever has been using it as well," Toad added. 

The pair headed to the spot in Wario's gold mine with a tent and some supplies. They set everything up in a place that would be difficult to see from the portal. 

Yoshi went to inspect the portal activity while Toad set up the tent decorations Yoshi had brought. 

"We might be more hidden without the welcome mat..." Toad twitted. 

"But it has to look cute!" Yoshi persisted, followed by an eye roll from Toad. 

Yoshi determined that the portal was very active and returned to the tent. The team took turns watching the portal all night and at about 3:00 AM Yoshi spotted what looked like a strangely shaped janitor. He stealthily moved closer. The janitor looked around and Yoshi saw that his face looked back and white spotted. 

_Aha! I knew it!_ He thought. 

The janitor waved his hand as if signalling to come on. More people came dressed as janitors, mechanics, ladies in dresses, men in suits, etc. Yoshi watched them step through the portal. 


	4. Wullet William

The janitor waved his hand as if signalling to come on. More people came dressed as janitors, mechanics, ladies in dresses, men in suits, etc. Yoshi watched them step through the portal.

"Are we just gonna let them get away?! We should follow them!" Toad shook his head.

"No, we should wait until they're a gone and then follow them. That'll give us an idea of what they're up to."

After waiting for a few minutes for the people to finish travelling through the portal, Toad nodded and gestured for Yoshi to follow him.

"Did you bring your gear?" Toad asked.

"Nope, sorry. I suspected they'd be behind this, but I didn't think we'd actually encounter them," Yoshi said apologetically.

"Shoot," Toad grumbled. "We _now_ what do we do?"

"Isn't it obvious? We have to follow them!" Yoshi exclaimed.

"That's stupid! They'll find us immediately! It isn't safe!" Toad said scoldingly.

"Then we just don't et them see us. It's either this or we let them get away." Yoshi gave Toad a look reminiscent of that of a stern mother. Toad let out a groan.

" _Fiiiiiiiin_ e! But if we get caught, it's fault!" Just as they were about to step through the portal, they heard a voice speaking to them.

"Seems y'all are in need of assistance." Toad whirled around to see a large black object resembling a bullet (but much, much larger) grinning at them.

"Who the heck are you?!" Toad hissed.

"Don't be so mean, Toad!" Yoshi cried before walking up to the object and glaring. "If you try to harm us, we can't promise your safety."

"Whoa, whoa! Didn't mean to scare ya! Howdy. The name's William, full name is Wullet William. But you can call me Bill. Bullet Bill." Despite his sudden ominous appearance, Bill was grinning widely and seemed extremely friendly.

"How'd you get here? No one's allowed in Wario's mine without explicit permission, and security is heavy," Toad asked threateningly.

"This may be hard to believe, but I kinda just appear and disappear. I appear to certain people when they need it most and I give them what they need. Here, I can prove it!" Though he had no arms, it appeared as if Bill was handing them something.

"What's that?" Yoshi asked. Toad shrugged Upon inspection, however, the pair noticed that it resembled a vacuum. Yoshi suddenly remembered some of his discussions with Luigi, who happened to be a vacuum expert. From what he understood and remembered, Yoshi figured it was probably meant to capture something.

Answering his own question, Yoshi finally spoke: "I think...it's to get rid of the cows." Toad recoiled in shock.

"What?! You're joking! _That_?! There's no way _that_ can get rid of the cows! Normally we have to use a portal to send them to space!"

"How ya use it is up to y'all, but I gave you what ya needed. I'll be goin', now!" proclaimed Bill.

"Wait! William!" Toad called.

"We need to go, Toad. They've probably already gotten away," said Yoshi. Toad grumbled before reluctantly agreeing.

"Fine. At least this is better than nothing."


	5. Cow's World

Once they entered the mall, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. That was, until they heard several shrill shrieks in the distance. Turning towards each other and nodding, they ran towards the source of the noise. As expected, they saw a cow bending down and sniffing a woman's hair. The woman was on the ground, panicked.

"W-who do you think you _are_?! I'm the princess of Sarasaland! I demand to speak to the manager! Toads, seize that foul beast!" Toad instinctively started walking forward before hearing Yoshi clear his throat. Toad quickly realized what he was doing and stopped. He scoffed at the princess's treatment of his fellow Toads.

He too had once had the job for the princess and was even promoted to being her bodyguard at one point. At least he and his co-workers were treated respectfully. This princess treated Toads like vermin, and it disgusted him.

A few Toads nervously walked forward, visibly trembling. They attempted to push the cow away but immediately ran away in fear when the cow snarled at them. The princess scoffed.

"Is no one going to help me? Does no one want the _honor_ of rescuing Princess Daisy?" Toad and Yoshi took the silence that ensued as their opportunity to strike.

"We'll hep," Toad said with a smirk. Yoshi nodded confidently from behind him.

As he walked up to the cow, vacuum in hand, Toad quickly realized he had no idea what he was doing.

"Yoshi! You're the vacuum expert! How do I use this thing?!" he demanded. Yoshi let out a squeal as he noticed all attention turning towards him.

"I dunno! I'm a portal expert, not a vacuum expert!" Yoshi said with a panicked expression.

"You seemed to know so much about this thing earlier, but now you have no clue how it works?!"

"I only said what I remembered from Luigi! I don't pay attention when he's ranting about vacuums!" Toad groaned loudly.

"Well you're our best bet! I don't even know how to turn this thing on!" Toad forcefully handed Yoshi the vacuum. Yoshi gulped as he took it. After fumbling around with it for a bit, Yoshi heard a slight whirring sound.

"I'll have to ask Luigi how to work this thing later," he grumbled.

After pressing a few more random buttons, Yoshi walked towards the cow menacingly.

"Cow!"

"Moo? Moo moo moo? Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo?" the cow sneered.

"I can't suck the life of you without getting closer."

"Moo! Moo moo moo." Toad was fairly sure he saw a smirk on the cow's face.

The cow and Yoshi slowly approached each other, glaring into each other's soul. Yoshi made the first move. With a loud shout, Yoshi swung the vacuum hose. The cow easily blocked it with its tail.

"Moo, moo!" the cow taunted.

But Yoshi wasn't about to give up. With a smirk, he wrapped his tongue around the cow's tail and held it out of the way. But just as he was about to raise the vacuum hose, he was met with a powerful kick to the stomach.

"Oof!" he cried as he fell backwards.

"Yoshi!" Toad cried out in worry. Yoshi held out a hand.

"No. I'm fine." Filled with determination, he stood back up. The cow seemed impressed by Yoshi's resolve. It let out a flurry of kicks aimed at Yoshi.

"MOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOOMOO! MOO!" However, to the cow's dismay, Yoshi had blocked all of his attacks with the vacuum.

"I have you right where I need you," Yoshi said with a smirk as he pressed a button on the vacuum. The cow's eyes widened in both shock and fear as it was sucked into the vacuum.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" it cried.

Toad walked up to Yoshi and patted him on the back.

"Well, it looks like we'll have to start up the ol' business again."


	6. Requesting Assistance

When Luigi read the news, he immediately thought of Yoshi. The front page had a large advertisement.

 **MUSHROOM CUP SEEKING PARTICIPANTS! 1000000000 COIN PRIZE! PLEASE VISIT** **WWW.MOOMOORACE.COM** **FOR MORE** **DETAILS** **!**

It'd been years since Yoshi had lived with money to spare, and Luigi took it upon himself to do everything he could to help Yoshi.

Yoshi and Toad used to own a multi-million dollar business. But it all changed when a group of cows decided to sue them for building their business off of cow extermination. Everyone knew the cows didn't actually care about their cow brethren and that they only used this as an excuse to both protect themselves and to make some money. Since then, both had lived in poverty. Toad was lucky enough to get a job at the castle helping Princess Peach, but Yoshi was not so lucky. He continued to live in poverty. Toad never earned back enough money to start their business again; he barely made enough to support himself.

This, however, would be the perfect opportunity to get that money back. If they won the prize of 1000000000 gold coins, they could easily start up their business again. As Luigi thought about the idea and was about to get up from his armchair to go call Yoshi, there was a knock at the door.

"Coming!" he called as he rushed to answer the door. When he opened it, he was met with Toad and Yoshi themselves. "Oh! I've been meaning to talk to you!"

"That's good, because we need to talk to you as well." If Luigi hadn't known Toad for years through Yoshi, he would have thought Toad's tone was threatening. But he knew that Toad just always sounded (and often was) grumpy despite his cheerful demeanor and meant no harm.

"What do you need?" Luigi asked. Yoshi was the one to answer, walking forward with a vacuum in hand.

"We need you to teach us about this thing," he explained.

Luigi's neutral expression morphed into a grin.

"Gladly!! Come in, come in!" Yoshi frowned. Luigi seemed _way_ too excited. Yoshi would never understand what was so interesting about vacuums.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Yoshi whispered to Toad.

"Do we have any other choice?" Toad said aggressively.

"I mean, that's true, but have you _heard_ him talk about vacuums? I'd let the cows take over the world if it meant I never had to hear another word about vacuums come from his mouth," Yoshi whined.

"Don't be ridiculous. Those cows need to die, and this is our only hope!" Toad let out a long sigh.

They sat down on the couch in Luigi's living room.

"Lemme see this," he said, taking the vacuum from Yoshi's hands. After a few seconds of inspection, his eyes widened. "My God, it's a Demonslayer 4500! They only sell these in shady parts of the Mushroom Kingdom! How the heck did you get your hands on this?"

"Um..." Toad looked to Yoshi, unsure how to answer.

"Some guy just gave it to us. We had no idea what it was. That's why we came to you. Think you can teach us how to use it? We managed but just barely," Yoshi explained. Luigi tried to act like he didn't care, but it was obvious that he was ecstatic.

"Ok, sit down and I'll tell you everything you need to know about this thing!" Luigi said, almost squealing.

"This is going to be a long day," Yoshi whispered to Toad, who nodded.


End file.
